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Does confidence = the hat you wear?

Updated: Apr 10, 2022

Yes & No.

Yes, confidence is reflected in the job that we do or in wearing a favorite article of clothing.

No, confidence, true confidence, comes from within.

Let’s explore this for a minute.

We each wear a multitude of hats every day. As men and women we are faced with the duplicities of gender stereotypical roles. In addition, aesthetics and social acceptance plays a big role in how we feel and think about ourselves and each other especially, when the primary individual motivation is that of fitting in. At the end of the day all we want is to be accepted.

In order to fit in we are programmed to read the visual clues as well as sense what is acceptable from our parents, family members, friends and colleagues. We are programmed not only by the hats of what they want for the individual person based on their own insecurities and unfulfilled dreams and aspirations, but also by the hats of what we see and hear from society.

What about how we feel? Why is feeling not part of the equation?

The aftermath of constantly trying to fulfill the unrealistic expectations to look like someone other than yourself and outperform your neighbor is ridiculous and what follows is fraught with sadness and humiliation. This constant hamster wheel of fulfilling outside expectations for others and not ourselves has a lot of people in this world feeling bad about themselves for no good reason.

My question is why? Why keep trying to do something you honestly do not want to do.

In a word: Confidence or lack thereof.

Feeling good about ourselves is the most important part of being.

When we are not taught how to feel good about ourselves it can make life experiences challenging.

The great thing is that this skill can be learned.

Learning to feel good about yourself takes a lot of inner will and practice.

When I see a client that suffers from low self esteem or self worth, the challenge is first to raise it. But how?

Two fold! As the client moves through the first four sessions, they leave clues as to what are a few things they wish to do. It is always a mixture of grand aspirations and simple things like going to a museum on their own or having dinner at a restaurant alone.

Accomplishing small things on a list does wondrous things for one’s self confidence. This taps into multiple facets of the experience. The process of doing something outside of our comfort zone ensures that we can physically see the process from beginning to end.

Planning to do one thing and then doing it regardless of the fear allows the person to plan it, see it, and feel the entire experience. In turn, gaining value in the moments and pushing themselves to do more and more. These outwards steps fill the visual and tactical side of things.

At the same time there is inward magic at play. Suddenly, the person begins to feel good. The motivation has switched from outwardly trying to fit in to the inner motivation of feeling good about themself for just being. No longer is it important to be accepted by everyone else when you accept yourself.

Can I share with you a little coaching secret?

What you are searching for in acceptance from others is exactly what you are searching for within yourself. That is why it is so important to build your self confidence. To be confident in you and not in the many hats that you are wearing.

This feeling spills over into fulfilling exactly what you want for yourself.

That is the magic!!!

As our individual confidence grows, then we help others to do the same.

It becomes a happier, confident way of living life.

Which do you prefer?

At the end of the day the choice is always yours.

My father used to say, ¨whether you are a garbage man or a Doctor, be joyous in doing your best in every way.¨ That feeling is its own best reward. That feeling is confidence.

The circle moment happens when regardless of what hat you are wearing you are joyous with the output of your own production.

I trust this serves you well. Please remember, we are not only sharing stories we are changing lives and when you share my blog post you are helping to change lives too.

I appreciate you and I will see you next Tuesday.

When we value ourselves, we value each other.

Take care,


Click here to learn more tools and gain confidence in navigating your everyday life.

Blog # 18


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