Emotional Baggage

Updated: Dec 9, 2020

Have you ever taken a moment to recognise the weight of unresolved emotions and experiences carried from one relationship or situation to another?

What I can guarantee is that it always begins with two participants.

There are multiple facets within romantic relationships and within our daily life too. Some facets are positive and some negative. Have you reflected upon why?




Today's blog will discuss the top 3 reasons why relationships fail and provide you with an interesting tip.


Projection, disillusionment and power struggle are the top 3 reasons why relationships fail. When the scope is broadened it can be applied within the dynamics of every circumstance we encounter.


Our thoughts about reality are predicated upon our experiences. One example may be, if one of your parents cheats on the other and then your partner cheats on you; then the thought can easily be once a cheater always a cheater. Is it true? Not always.


Taking a broader scope may offer a different set of questions. What is the core issue behind the thoughts surrounding this experience? What are the symptoms? Most importantly, what can be done about it? When we begin to ask ourselves such questions it allows an opportunity for self exploration. By breaking down the experience it allows us to understand why we feel what we feel without bringing the emotional heaviness of that experience. When we do not complete the process it is the emotional heaviness of The Suitcase that follows us into future relationships along with the projection, disillusionment and the subsequent power struggle. There are a few simple tools that can help you process your emotions and if you want to learn how, then click here and book your free Discovery Call.



Think about it!

Our culture encourages us to avoid the agony of loss and defeat at all cost. The first thing to recognise is that suffering does not come from the circumstance, for that is reality. As Martha Beck says, "the sufferings arrives from the emotions and feelings we place upon the thought about reality." The ability to lean into our emotions even when we know it will be painful is brave. By going through the process we are undergoing something transformative that will be very beneficial.


The question is once you understand the emotions around the reality of what is, then what?

What tool can be used to break down the emotion behind the story? The 5 stages of grief is a process that is crucial in how we represent ourselves, not only within the context of once a cheater always a cheater, but also in every relationship.





We are familiar with using The 5 stages of grief and loss to process the death of a loved one.

However, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance can also be used as tools in processing challenging circumstances in our daily lives.


Here are two scenes that represent the use of these five tools.


Open scene 1- marital betrayal

Denial- She didn’t cheat on me. We have children, go on vacation, have two beautiful homes.


Anger- I will, I will do something terrible to her, him, them.

Bargaining- God I promise that if you save our marriage, I will go to church every Sunday.

Depression- feeling sad, tearful, low or guilty. Not leaving your dorm/home, drowning the pain by drinking or eating excessively to hide yourself from the fear of your feelings.

Acceptance- Okay, our marriage is not working. Now, what is the next step to get me to where I want to be?

Close scene 1


Open scene 2: Failing a final exam or job interview


Denial- I studied all night for that exam. I didn't fail it. OR I know I had all of the qualifications for that job.


Anger- The teacher does not know what they are doing. He has it in for me. He wants me to fail and take the course again. OR That interviewer did not like me from the beginning. It is because of him that I did not get the job.


Bargaining- God, I promise that if you let me pass this exam, next time I will study during the entire semester. OR God I promise if I get that job I will start taking better care of myself.


Depression- feeling sad, tearful, low or guilty. Not leaving your dorm/home, drowning the pain by drinking or eating excessively to hide yourself from the fear of your feelings.


Acceptance- Okay, I failed this exam or did not get the job. Now, what is the next step to get me to where I want to be?

Close scene 2.


The 5 stages of grieving are not always clean and neat. Sometimes you jump from one stage to another without following a particular sequence.


We let go of whatever was and lean into the discomfort of what we are experiencing.


Then and only then can we move through reality or our relationships feeling lighter, knowing we are bringing the knowledge of the lessons we learned and releasing all of the hurt that went with it.


As humans we are creatures of habit and continue to do what we have always done until we have a reason to do something else. When we take the time to unpack all of the hurts and pains of life, feel what we feel and look for the little lessons that allow us to be clear, we gain a breath of richness that allows us to have compassion for ourselves and for others.


Remember, when we value ourselves, we value each other.


Much love,

Vanessa



Click here to learn more tools and gain confidence in navigating your everyday life.

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