Updated: Dec 9, 2020
How does one attain growth within their own relationships? When you are having a great conversation with another person you are open, the energy is great and both people are offering space for dialogue. But, what happens when a conversation gets heated? What happens when one or both people do not feel heard?
This article will identify the two different styles in which people react within a conversation. It defines how our emotional state affects the way we respond and how we can all create a space for openness within our daily dialogues.
If you are anything like me and the millions of us who are cool, calm and collected people until we feel not heard by our partners, friends or collegue then stay with me. If you are anything like our partners, friends and collegues who are also cool, calm and level headed people until they feel not heard, then stay with me too!
When we are in an emotionally challenging conversation with another person and our feelings get hurt there is a tendency for one of two things to happen.
Screaming or Shutting Down. These are both reactive actions and neither one of them is good. Now, I know neither one of these options are particularly healthy for any relationship. However, I know which one of these two characters I become. How about you?
Well yep, I am the screaming manic, or at least I was until I realised that my way of communicating was actually causing more damage within my own relationships. The people within my relationships felt disrespected and rightly so! Sure, I would say things like, this is how I learned to communicate, so take or leave it. But then, I began to think to myself, is this really a learned behaviour? If so, can I learn a new way of expressing my thoughts and feelings without causing more harm?
If you make yourself small and invisible by becoming defensive then so will the other person.
If you are open and responsive then the other person will also be in the Growth State of open and responsiveness.
This allowance state or state of allowing will offer the same to others.
It allows other's - To Be & To Grow.
Think about it!
When you block yourself off from dealing with the reality of what currently is and begin to scream or shut down emotionally. Then you too are reacting to the reality of what is and in defense the other person will block off too. If you want to learn a few simple tools that will help you stop reacting, then click here and book your free Discovery Call.
Typically, when we connect with other people at the grocery store, at the office or in a restaurant, we are polite and kind while expressing our dissatisfaction. Or at least I hope that you are too ; )
However, when we engage with our spouse/partner, family member or best friend; you know the one's that we love the most; how do you treat or speak with them? Somehow, when the people who love us the most tell us the truth, something happens to our frontal lobe. We allow our fear crazed lizard brains to take over. Fear always stems from a way to protect our feelings. Do you become a screaming manic or shut down emotionally because someone said something you are not ready to hear? Is it because you are afraid that it is true?
Fear! It makes us react in crazy ways.
If you make yourself small and invisible then so will the other person.
When you become aggressive in a conversation and your modus operandi is to Scream or Shut Down then you are being reactive within the situation.
In these moments it is best to take 3 Deep Breaths, gather your thoughts as you recenter yourself and then respond.
When you respond in a conversation you are creating a space for dialogue. You are creating a space for openness. This is where the growth comes from. Here, in this space, you and the other person are co-creating what happens from this moment forward. Both people are responsible and accountable for the growth that happens in this space.
This allowance state or state of allowing creates a space for you to communicate effectively and together you may both enter into a state of growth.
Remember, When we value ourselves, we value each other!
Click here to learn more tools and gain confidence in navigating your everyday life.