Updated: Dec 9, 2020
There are two keys to experiencing success in every relationship. Having the skills necessary to clearly state what we want and listening to what the other person wants too.
Understanding what we want and having the ability to express ourselves in every relationship is an important part of living our best life.
As human beings we are born with an innate sense of what is true for each of us.
An inner navigational tool if you will.
When the environmental mentors of our childhood don't know how to communicate or establish boundaries for themselves or with others, it affects how as children we learn to communicate for ourselves. We may thereby fall victim to the patterns of behaviour we see.
Being true to ourselves can be compromised when we follow the lead of those who influence our lives and when we do not stay true to ourselves.
Take a moment to reflect upon these words. Now, look at your own relationships.
How do you represent yourself?
The connections and reasons behind why fifty percent of marriages end in divorce are easy to see.
Lack of effective communication.
Are you expressing what you want for yourself in your relationships?
Can you effectively address the everyday challenges of life?
Do you understand what a trigger is and why it is affecting you?
The great thing about patterns of behaviour is that they can be changed. It just takes knowing a few tools and some practice.
Applying 3 Magic Questions to each of your life’s challenges along with holding yourself accountable and responsible will lead you to the why and you will gain the ability to effectively communicate in any situation.
Where do the thoughts or fears come from? ( challenge = person, place or thing)
Is the fuel you are adding intrinsic or extrinsic?
What are you going to do about it?
Some of us run away and hide because dealing with reality is scary. Not taking the time to immediately address the challenge that is before you will only grow thereby increasing more challenges that need to be solved.
Using these 3 magic questions saves you time and you gain more options by dealing with things head on. Staying true to what you want too can help you to address any challenge in your life. This is one of the most important tools you can use to attain personal growth as you open, connect and grow by facing the reality of what is.
We will use a fictitious person named Ken.
Ken is having a difficult time expressing his feelings in the relationship, which causes more conflicts. Let us ask the 3 Magic Questions to help Ken solve for the why and guide him in facing the fears around the challenge.
We will solve for why by using common responses that I hear everyday to work out this example.
Ken are you expressing what you want for yourself in your marital relationships?
I fear that if I ask for what I want in this marital relationship my partner will leave me.
Where do the thoughts or fears come from?
Is the fuel you are adding intrinsic or extrinsic?
It is extrinsic.
I saw my parents screaming at each other all of the time. They grew angry and resentful with each other and after many years of not hearing or listening to one another's needs they finally got a divorce. It is my point of reference, it is what I do too.
What are you going to do about it? ( after many questions Ken arrived at this conclusion)
I can now see that the whole process was destructive. They did not know how to talk with one another and ask for what they each wanted in their relationship. It affected how I communicate in my own relationships and my fear is that this destructive process will happen to me too.
What can you do to avoid that destructive process that your parents experienced in your marriage? (This question holds him accountable for his own actions.)
I will learn to communicate effectively by expressing myself and asking for what I want in our relationship. I will set boundaries to ensure that I stay true for myself. I will listen for what my partner is asking for in our relationship. I will support her as she expresses what she wants too. This will allow both of us to be seen and heard. We will both have the freedom to be our own person in our marriage and experience a loving and supportive relationship.
Can you see how using the 3 magic questions opened up the process to asking more questions in order to solve for the why? Solving for the why will quickly lead you to address the challenge and hold yourself accountable .
Taking the time to understand what you want out of life is the first step in navigating the road ahead.
Staying true to who you are will also create space for who or what is before you. Use the 3 magic questions to solve for why and hold yourself accountable to the reality of what is. You are no longer playing victim to the childhood patterns of behaviour.
This creates an atmosphere to experience success in every relationship because you have gained the skills necessary to clearly state what you want and listen for what the other person wants too.
Remember: when we value ourselves , we value each other.
Click here to learn more tools and gain confidence in navigating your everyday life.
Blog # 19