One of the most common psychological reasons why people choose the wrong partners is because they get wrapped up in the relationship. When you’re attracted to someone, it can be hard to invest in yourself fully.
Sometimes the wrong partner you chose is based on emotion, rather than logic or facts. Sometimes people simply do not take their time to really consider all of their options before making a choice.
In this article, Vanessa lee Curley breaks down each relationship type and teaches you how to stop choosing the wrong partner and start using your relationship type to create positive communication between you and others.
According to Jay Shetty, there are three types of roles people play in their relationships with others. The Fixer, the Fragile One, or the Supporter. Which role do you play? If you’re not sure, try this quick exercise to find out
Ask yourself the following three questions, and rate your answer on a scale of 0 to 10, with 0 being “Not at all” and 10 being “Yes, a lot”. Be honest in your answers.
Question #1: Do I find myself constantly trying to solve, nurture, or make the other person better? Am I involved in trying to improve, grow and make the other person better? Am I trying to make it happen for them and trying to carry them?
Question #2: In relationships, do I feel that I rely on my partner a lot? Do I go to them with my problems or complaints and issues? Do I expect them to be able to find solutions for me?
Question #3: Do I support my partner? Do I value their dreams? Do I respect their time and space? How do they like to spend their time in that space? Do I always want them to change it? Do I truly understand, acknowledge, and recognize who they are and what they’re doing? Or do I genuinely want them to change inside?
The question you rank the highest, according to Jay shetty, is the type of relationship personality you operate in. If you score highest on the first question, you are a Fixer. The second question pertains to Fragile personality type. And the third question is about the Supporter.
If you find yourself in this position then take time out to fix your traumas.
When you are a Fixer, you feel obligated to take care of everyone’s needs. You think their happiness is your job, and you do whatever you can to nurture them. This makes you sensitive to everything they do. Your relationship becomes more like a parent/child relationship where you’re forcing your partner into the child role.
As a Fixer there can be many reasons why you might keep choosing the wrong partner. For example, you might start thinking about this person all the time and become preoccupied with their thoughts and feelings. This leads to you overlooking your Wounded Self and makes you compromise your own needs and attractions, which can ultimately lead to a bad relationship.”
Here are some tips Fixers can use to help manage their Fixer tendencies.
1. Ask your partner how you and your abilities can support—not fix—them.
2. Help your partner get introduced and connected with other people they can go to for guidance.
3. Embody the supporter mindset. Your partner has their own personal journey to go on. They don’t have to grow the way you grow. Give them space to guide their journey and make their own decisions and choices.
Fragile does not mean you are weak or useless. You’re incredible as you are, but you are wounded, hurt, and unsure of yourself. You look to others for confidence and expect them to provide it for you. If you’re a Fragile personality, past experiences may have contributed to your reliance on others. Maybe your parents did everything for you. You never learned how to build confidence in yourself, so you constantly seek validation and assurance or need another person to do the work for you.
A Fragile or dependent person is attracted to people that can fix them. If this is you then the likelihood is that you are selecting partners from your wounded self. Subconsciously by trying to fix your partner you are acting in a way that you would like to be treated.This term refers to the part of you that is damaged, often from past trauma.
When you take a moment to reflect on your previous relationships, which role did you play?
Pay attention because here you will see an interesting dynamic. Are you repeating this cycle? The Fragile seek relationships with Fixers because the Fixer will embrace them and take care of their needs.
The question is, how do you quiet the Fragile mentality?
Think about how you have been hurt and broken, and ask yourself where to start creating the breakthroughs. Think about how to find answers to things in the pain that you have gone through. Look for solace and peace in yourself instead of others.
The Supporter is who we each aspire to be. The Supporter does what they can to help their partner, but does not judge themselves based on the other person’s results.
“Their purpose is their priority,” explains Jay Shetty. ”They prioritize their purpose, and they remind their partners to prioritize theirs. They are full of reminders and cues and noticing rather than doing it for the other person.”
Jay Shetty explains the difference between the Supporter and the Fixer is the Fixer thinks they can solve everything. The Supporter acknowledges what they can help with and what they can’t. The Fixer obsesses over all of their partner’s flaws. The Supporter is patient as they find their own feet and focus on their growth while their partner discovers their path.
The Supporter is someone who stabilizes themselves first then uses that stabilization to help the other person. Building the ability to stop choosing the wrong partner is as easy as knowing your relationship tpe and learning the Top 16 ways to succeed in dating while cultivating a healthy foundation which leads to experiencing a solid, flexible and robust relationship.
1. Be yourself and be honest about your intentions.
2. Listen actively and show genuine interest in your date.
3. Keep an open mind and don't judge too quickly.
4. Show respect and be considerate of your date's feelings.
5. Communicate effectively and clearly.
6. Avoid playing games or being manipulative.
7. Show confidence and be comfortable in your own skin.
8. Be flexible and willing to compromise.
9. Have a sense of humor and don't take yourself too seriously.
10. Plan fun and creative dates that cater to your shared interests.
11. Be patient and don't rush into anything.
12. Be reliable and follow through on your commitments.
13. Be willing to learn and grow from your experiences.
14. Stay positive and don't let setbacks discourage you.
15. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family.
16. Trust your instincts and don't settle for less than what you deserve.
Utilizing the top 16 ways to succeed in dating are the things that you can do to successfully break the cycle.
When you consciously choose to break a pattern, you can establish a better relationship with a better, albeit unfamiliar, outcome. If you hang in there, and give this out-of-the-ordinary person a chance, you can become accustomed to this out-of-the-ordinary relationship. Yours could be one of those stories of friends who fall in love or unlikely seeming couples who live happily together.
If you are in a relationship, and you recognize that it is heading toward the same negative outcome as past relationships, you can stop the momentum and avoid another tragic ending because now you recognize which character you are playing and can take the steps to improve how you show up in your relationships.
You and your partner are most likely collaborating in creating the negative dynamics in your relationship. Not only is he/she the same kind of person you always end up with, it is most likely that you are the same kind of person he/she ends up with, too. Even though there are real qualities we love and admire in the people we choose to become romantically involved with, we must consider that each of us is also making sure that the emotional baggage we each carry fits nicely into one another’s undeveloped emotional compartments.
Talk with your partner about how your patterns of relating fit together and about how you may be playing out dynamics from your pasts with each other. As you discuss how they play out in your relationship, you will each have ideas of behaviors you can challenge and recognize that your relationship is not doomed. Remember that, in any relationship, you are going to face your own limitations as well as those of another human being.
The better you know yourself and your partner knows him/herself, the stronger you will both be in dealing with these limitations. You can both evolve and grow in the relationship. As you each challenge yourselves and give up your old negative identities, you will discover new aspects of yourself and of your partner.
I trust you have gained the knowledge you need to process your wants, needs, desires and express your boundaries is improved by getting better at identifying moments when you need focus on improving yourself, take responsibility for your dating or married life. and live your life with grace, confidence and integrity.